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Unstable Signal

Posted on by KDP

I have so much I want to say and yet my heart and mind feel so disconnected from the words…

Where do I begin?

Where do I end?

When does it end?

For a brief moment this self-censorship feels necessary yet wrong at the same time.

Could it be the self-preservation whispering at a distance?

Chaos seems to have become more normalized and the silence around it has become more apparent.

So many cries are being competitively analyzed like compassion is in limited supply.

The luxury of comfort and selfish desire are being exposed in so many.

But then we must become unified once the target has reached their own front door (and only when it has done so).

Their performance has been award worthy if I say so myself.

However, could I be so numb now to the dance that I have started to slowly pivot to that crippling mindset?

Is that why the words, my words….

Sigh.

Yeshua, your clarity is needed for the fighter in me wants to give in to the temptation of disrupting, but my heart cannot help but wonder if my actions are impulsively premature.

Help me to discipline my heart and mind so that my words can reach beyond my cerebrum.

Yes, the signal can seem unstable at times, but it refuses to not seek Your connection.

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Fragile Storyteller

Posted on by KDP

It’s those sporadic mental pauses where my emotions begin to separate from my intuition

In less than one thought, the spiraling effect of disappointment in inevitable imperfection is grasping at my neck

So raw yet potent of an emotion overcomes my spirit and I have become trapped in a space where logic holds no grounding

My eyes start to believe exactly what they want to see. Applying discernment is neglected and mocked all for a little taste of rebellion and apathy

The ambiguity. The opportunity for deception and chaos. One strong grasp is all it would take to leave the burdensome responsibilities of “letting it go”.

No extension of grace. Just dive in with the faults. No more room for the noise yet it always feels welcomed. Knowledge cultivated but not disciplined.

Oh the power. Whoa the fragility. This intense rush of wanting to unleash verbal assaults is numbing the awareness and past mistakes of speaking prematurely

This psychological warfare. The cold embrace. It’s dangerously alluring. Tempting to want to dismiss my identity for the sake of misplaced intentionality

How do I always seem to find my way back to this? It is like the memories enjoy toying with my pride. So far removed from reality at times, forgiving self can only be imagined

Self-preservation from self. So much for reflection. Then again, the continuation of breath must mean something…

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Vulner-

Posted on by KDP

The desire for silence can become dangerously tempting in moments where I should be celebrating. In moments where I should be present.

Why do the sounds of certain pleasures feel so intolerable at times? When did this enticing portal of separation become so engulfed in flames of self-alienation?

How do I preserve the foundations of Love without sacrificing this level of comfort I get from the distancing? Surely it is possible to continue with this illusion just a little longer to avoid the potential fear of vulnerability that waits within.

Enough with the banter? It will not be long before shame and guilt start to settle in. Yes, silence is comforting in many ways. However, we both know the dangers of having certain things go my way.

Is the temporary enticement worth it? Is the vulnerability of being present that overwhelming? Or could this be a necessary disruption shown as a reminder that healing is never an endpoint but a journey.

Although my mind has become less settling in some ways, the mi-NOOT awareness of triumph may root itself one day.

Posted in mental, mental dilemma, perceptions, poetry

Mirror

Posted on by KDP

Your movements are like an ocean without the tidal waves. You flow with calming persistence.

Your armor is that of steel plates that seem impenetrable. No earthly weapons forged can withstand the power of your resistance.

Your pride carries an unwavering tune that stifles all surrounding thoughts and opinions. What else can be said that is not already displayed?

The melodies of your heart shout with passion and, interestingly enough, some confusion. Almost as if you are demonstrating the essence of determination.

Your mind is awakened with eagerness to expand its potential. Turning the pages as if there is a neverending supply of unsaturated material.

The soft touch of your hands can bring motivation and hope behind possibilities. Can it be a matter of coincidence that they are most guarded in spaces that bring them peace?

Now even with that display of prowess, you still have yet to understand the truth behind the eyes you see. For some reason you are still left wondering how a smile and strength can hide one’s own incompetence to identifying their true greatness.

What more do you seek? What is there left to see? Could it be that this mirrored reflection is only a distraction from the timeless and subtle feeling of fear underneath?

Has it finally hit you that this method of protection and safety is obsolete? No need to ponder more on what is unknown, because at the end of it all what matters is Who you have known.

What is greatness without the acknowledgement that you will never be fully in control, especially when pushing beyond expectations can take its toll.

Why work so hard to show others your capabilities when you have yet to grasp the person you see? Home is where the heart is but what is home without Him in it?

Now I ask you again…what is your true conviction?

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It is not too often that I think about you, but when I do…

Posted on by KDP

So empty they have been; The darkness is very unsettling. Your eyes appear like black holes; What is this unstable phenomenon?

On one hand, I am angry at what seemed to be inevitable without proper intervention. On the other, I want to protect even the smallest amount of innocence that may remain in you.

What is needed to try and recover the hope left in you? At times even I have hope. Yes, I have hope for you. How much would change if we further assessed what has led to this? Would you even feel safe enough to process this?

I did not know what to do and we were unfortunately never taught how to embrace with grace, protect each other or forgive like our peers. The guilt may continue to weigh on my heart for a little while longer as I think back to those adverse childhood experiences.

Those rebellions now seem more like they were cries for help more than attention and I wished I could have been more receptive to you. But I too was a lost child that longed to be seen. A helpless witness, why did fear seem to mute my screams?

How could I have been more of the keeper that you needed? How could I have known and done better even though processing my own pain felt like it was running on E?

I love you and I continue to pray that one day we will both find peace and heal from these memories.

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Pour

Posted on by KDP

You can’t keep pouring into others when you don’t pour back into yourself.

Take care of YOU.

Our bodies, minds and spirit thirst for healing and replenishment.

Give back to YOU.

What good does it do to passionately expel so much energy into things that do not nourish you? Self care for YOU.

Self care for YOU.

Pride can mask insecurities and the fear of vulnerability. Do not allow it to disrupt the peace within you.

Make way for YOU.

Time is endless but your time is not so why waste it dismissing the need to let Him lead.

Let Him pour into YOU.

Life does not give out refunds. Give yourself grace, let go of the control, and allow faith to proceed.

It starts with YOU.

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Today

Posted on by KDP

I have come to accept that how I cope with the death of loved ones may not really change.

The way I acknowledge and accept it is an unfortunate expedited process.

I do not like it yet I cannot stand to prolong it.

Why dwell on the numbness? Why ponder on the what if’s?

It is. It was.

It does not bring them back and the tears have been spent.

However, the death of self has been painfully annoying to say the least.

Why do I fear this? This internally persistent uncertainty can be daunting.

No matter the truth, there remains an unsettling hesitation.

Lord, please forgive my doubt.

Yes, I know we have been through this.

Progress feels slow at times but I know this transparency is a part of that.

I am not deserving of Your grace.

Help me to calm my spirit and become more disciplined in this pursuit.

I am not sure what tomorrow may bring, but today I choose YOU!

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S.E.L.A.H.

Posted on by KDP

Sounds are amplified yet words cannot be formed

Emulating the devotion to truth, vision is overcome with sorrow

Likeability tormenting the hearts of reason

Abundance is the natural tendency to question the call

Heavy is the burden of moving against the conformation

Selah.

Salvaging what remains after death, caution begins to heal

Elevation of wonder for the path to revelations is narrow

Leveraging the insightfulness of disappointment and dismay

Absent is the strife that once formed this perspective of life

Hope is separating from the fragility of doubt

Selah.

Starving the deception that plagues the tongue

Enlighten the confusion, fear’s grasp plunges

Love with conviction as only faith can endure

Accountability to just self fades, the collective becomes focus

Heaven is the destination, discipline builds upon the foundation 

Selah.

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The Great Wall of Emotions

Posted on by KDP

These moments are becoming more common and even draining at times

At what point in the constant temptation to walk away from it all do you give in?

The wall you worked hard at building to separate the temptation has managed to form cracks… internally

Then again, maybe that is the problem.

The desire to avoid the temptation rather than addressing it is the cause of this…this feeling… this thinking.

It should not be one of my greatest concerns. Yet for some reason my cry is louder than it has been in a long time.

I know You can hear me and my words may not always be articulated with divine. But this unsettling feeling is being put in Your hands.

Loving more like You is the journey I hope to conquer. And I pray that this subtle feeling does not one day consume me.

Because I know Your Spirit can cling to mine with ease. If I just let my guard down and let You lead.

Hopefully my vision to see beyond the trees is not too out of focus. The temptation to wander off may come and go, but my desire to know You is without question.

These feelings are so bittersweet. One moment I am witnessing how Your Love illuminates the beauty and endless possibilities this life can bring.  And the next moment, I am witnessing the true meaning behind the Book of Ecclesiastes.

Selah.

Posted in demons, family, mental, poetry, questions, relationships

Reading It Backwards

Posted on by KDP

How does one be a keeper of a home still filled with the aftershock of it all?

Why is there utter stiffness in one’s reaction to witnessing the beginning of what could be the end?

Where does one turn to when they are drowning in the fear of escalation?

When can one process the essence of safety when their innocence of childhood is fading in front of them?

What possesses a person to illuminate that devil-like presence in front of others?

Who is to blame for that lack of anticipation?